My HBD Greeting to Mama! :)

Belated HBD Papa! :)

Child's Play

My cousin Jandi while enjoying her morning play/exercise. :)

Cheers! :)

I dreamed of reaching the top and i failed. Not only did i dreamed but i also gave my best shot but my efforts were somehow futile. I was disappointed with myself and i have no one and nothing to blame except myself. I was scared about what other people might say. About their expectations that i failed to meet and about what they will be saying. That was my initial reaction.

But now, i'm over it. I accepted things as they were and as they are. Perhaps there's something greater that is waiting to be realized. The horizon is wide and far ranging and instead of flooding myself with disappointment, fear and ill-feelings, there are countless reasons why i need to celebrate what had happened like the fact that BUCSSP remains as the Top Performing School of Social Work in the Philippines and of course, the fact that almost all of my friends (of course including me) passed. 

So sa lahat ng nagturo, gumabay, umagapay, dumamay, tumulong, nagmahal, nagpasaya, nagpangiti, nagbigay ng inspirasyon, naghatid ng motibasyon, umasa, nagdasal, nagpamisa, nagpakain, nagtweet, nagmessage, bumati, nakiramay, nakibahagi at nagpugay sa akin -- SALAMAT at SALAMAT ng marami!

With love na may halong pagmamahal,

Russ Daniel Oliva Baldoza, RSW

my 2011 Christmas Wishlist

Christmas is fast approaching. it's actually just less than a month before the celebration of the birth of Jesus. personally, isa ang pasko sa mga bagay na pinakahihintay ko. masaya, makulay, kumukutikutitap ang mga ilaw, people on a Christmas rush, Christmas songs, priceless smiles and happiness of the people around, cold air at napakarami pang mga bagay na kahit anong liit ay sapat ng rason para maging maligaya.

at dahil pasko, i deem it timely to produce my 2011 Christmas Wishlist. baka may makabasa at magdecide na i-fulfill kahit isa lang. i'll be presenting it in no particular order or preference basta nasa lista gusto ko! haha. walang kokontra. gawa ka din ng wishlist mo besides hindi masama magwish. also, this includes some unrealistic things pero yun na yun. haha. let's start!

NUMBER ONE: BAG or BACK PACK preferrably

matagal-tagal na rin akong hindi nakaka-experience ng back pack of my own. gusto ko lang matry ulit pero wag lang yung masyadong malaki pero wag din namang masyadong maliit. mas maganda kung kasya ang laptop. haha.

NUMBER TWO: CELLPHONE

my current cellphone which happens to be a china phone is now three years old. way beyond the normal "life expectancy" of a china phone which is one year. mama said she will buy me a new cellphone and i am excited over that fact. however, perhaps it is still unrealistic for the moment given our current financial situation. anyway, gusto ko pa rin. i don't care kung anong brand pero mas feel ko ang nokia or samsung wag lang china phone. :)

NUMBER THREE: HANKY LOTS OF HANKIES

i am a person who is uncomfortable without having a handkerchief with me. i guess my explanation is enough. haha.

NUMBER FOUR: TUMBLER

para mas makatipid na ako ng pera dahil hindi ko na kelangan bumili ng mineral water everday. instead, hihingi na lang ako sa department. haha. :)

NUMBER FIVE: UNDERWEARS

i'm not being scandalous here and i think there is nothing wrong having underwear in my wishlist. eh may mga pangyayaring hindi inaasahan and besides magtotour kami this summer for 11 days at walang labahan. share lang. :)

NUMBER SIX: MALETA

isang maletang kasing laki ng picture on the right would do. haha. pang-adik lang. pero pwede rin naman ang maleta in anticipation for our summer tour as part of the curriculum and for my future travels as well

NUMBER SEVEN: TEEs

gusto ko din ng bagong t-shirts or anything that i could wear. size: medium or large depending on the brand. :)

NUMBER EIGHT: TEAM MANILA WALLET or

ANY KIND OF WALLET


i'm dedicating this item for lekks. haha. anyway, i will also appreciate wallet (not necessarily that of team manila. kay alekks lang yun). pero mas appreciated kung may laman. :p

NUMBER NINE: SAPATOS (vans, toms or kahit rubber shoes)


sapatos, eto ata ang isang bagay na mahirap hanapin para sa akin. marami akong gustong bilihing sapatos noon pa. ang problema, walang kasya sa paa ko. gusto ko ito! sapatos! sapatos! sapatos!

NUMBER TEN: DSLR CAMERA


isa sa mga pangarap ko at isa din sa mga unrealistic things that i included here. haha. share lang. :)

LASTLY,

ANYTHING FROM THE HEART ♥

personally, kino-consider ko ang sarili ko bilang isang taong hindi maarte pagdating sa mga regalo. i mean, anything na magagamit basta binuhusan ng effort, oras at panahon, at anything na galing sa puso ng nagbigay ay maaappreciate ko. hindi ko man maipakita ang appreciation towards sa taong yun dahil hindi ko alam kung paano magrereact eh appreciated ko. Christmas is the time of sharing and gift-giving and i believe it's not the time to demand things from other people. i created this list not to demand from people who is considering giving a gift to me but to give them a clue as to what i prefer. but let me reiterate it again, i appreciate anything from anyone basta galing sa puso. :p

first time

this is the first time that we will not be going to Polangui as family to celebrate undas due partly to the fact that mama and papa need some time to rest for they are fresh from Manila because of Dan's continuing chemotherapy sessions. so, ate dianne and i were the emissaries or representatives of mama and papa for our annual undas visit in polangui wherein we got the chance to visit the tomb of my late grandfather and uncle as well. also, it was the perfect time to have some kind of reunion with our relatives, makipaglaro sa mga nakababatang pinsan at makipagkwentuhan naman sa mga ka-edad. nag-enjoy ata kami that's why we decided to deviate from the plan to just go home at the evening of october 31. instead, we spent the night there with our relatives and went home the day after. walang dalang extrang damit, charger, walang-wala kundi mga sarili lang namin. ngapala, we were with uncle aron and baby jandi.


at this juncture, the first time thing will be inserted. magsisinungaling ako kung magsasabi akong hindi ako umiinom or hindi pa ako nakainom dahil ang totoo ay ilang beses na rin akong uminom kasama ang mga kaibigan pero maniwala ka kung sasabihin kong hindi pa ako nalasing simula ng first time kong pag-inom. promise! well, if ilang beses na akong uminom ng kasama ang mga kaibigan eh never pa yung kasama ang kamag-anak not until october 31 when uncle aron invited me together with my other cousins to drink. actually, tinatanong ako kung ano daw ang gusto kong inumin. sabi ko sila na bahala dahil nakakahiya magdemand. mas nakakahiya pa at TI lang ata ang gusto kong inumin. masarap pero may kamahalan. red horse ang binili nila. kahit ayaw ko ng beer ay lumaban ako. una, nakakahiyang umayaw pagkatapos kong pumayag na sasali ako sa kanila. inubos namin ang gabi ng pag-iinom. all-in-all, tatlo at kalahati lang kaming uminom (kalahati dahil umalis si george na pinsan ko at nakiinom sa labas) ng limang bote ng litro (kung litro man yun) ng red horse. good thing, naka-survive ako pero natamaan ako dun pero hindi nalasing. ewan, feeling ko madaya lang talaga akong kainuman or sadyang mataas ang alcohol tolerance ng katawan ko. haha. kung gayon man eh, good for me. kaya pagkatapos ng drinking spree ay naghanap na ako ng tulugan at natulog. may tama eh. buti na lang paggising ko, walang sakit ng ulo, normal ang buhay ko. good for me ulit! wohoooo! haha.


at pinuntahan na namin ang sementeryo, nagsindi ng kandila habang umuulan,nag-ayos ng bulaklak para kay papa doro at tito jun, nag-alay ng dasal at umalis sa pangambang abutan pa ng malakas na ulan. umuwi ng bahay nila lola, pinuntahan si lola sa trabaho at umuwi na papuntang naga. ako dapat magddrive pero hindi ko dala ang lisensya ko. bad thing! haha. anyway, nag-enjoy naman ako sa first time ko. :D

birthday memories

Today is the birthday of my friend, kuya bjorn daryll manjares oropesa who happens to be a long lost relative of the once famous artist and showbiz personality Elizabeth Oropesa. I really don’t know his age but based on my computation which is either right or wrong, he is now on his 22^nd year as a biopsychosocialspiritual being. Well, one good thing that happened today is that we celebrated his birthday in simple ways with madam Vida as the catalyst and I hope that he is satisfied with what happened especially that Mario Maurer (if I am right) is present in his simple celebration though there is still a part two on the 26^th of August for his post-birthday celebration. Another thing is that after such a long time, perhaps months to be more specific, most of the members of MnT ate in a one long table facing each other sharing some nonsense and no nonsense stories, korni and kwela jokes, walang kwenta and puno ng kwentang kwento and sharing the good old laugh we used to hear when we are eating in a one long table. Busy nga naman ang buhay third year at bukod sa busy ay magastos din. We're just on the starting point and for surem many things can happen within the two semesters.

Going back to kuya bjorn’s birthday, I can’t help but reminisce my last birthday and the last few birthdays that I have experienced. For a fact, birthday is the signal that another year had passed and that a new year comes along. It’s as if a birth and rebirth of a person as an individual. Obviously, I wasn’t able to post a blog entry about my 19^th birthday celebration but let me describe it in two opposing words – DISAPPOINTMENTS and SURPRISES. Yep, I have some disappointment with regards to my 19^th birthday because of unfulfilled promises, no something special factor and the contraposition that as if nature had the whole world by not letting things happened as planned. But disappointments are not new for me in the celebration of my birthday. Just like what I had previously stated, parang nasanay na ako na tuwing birthday ko, maliit ang cake, busy sina mama sa anniversary nila, walang pera dahil enrollment at walang masyadong effort akong nararamdaman. It’s as if disappointments have been my companion every second day of june of the year. Yun tipong barkada kami at yun lang yung oras na nagkakajam kami na sa parating ganun ang sitwasyon ay hindi ko na siya kinoconsider as weakness but rather as just a normal thing that I must faced at the start of the day and leave it as it is when my day ends. But what is different this year that made me expected and made my disappointment bigger than the previous years is that planned didn’t go the way they suppose to go, from planned family bonding and celebration in Legazpi to nothing. It feels like I was robbed with the opportunity to experience something new, to experience something that I never experienced before and perhaps to celebrate what could have been the best birthday of my life with my family. Obviously it hurts and I am hurt but I am not blaming anyone or everyone because I understand that sometimes things don’t go the way they should, siguro nga ay may mas panahon pang nararapat at nakalaan para sa titulong ‘best birthday of my life with my family’ and personally, I blame myself because I expected to much. Tama nga naman talaga si sime, expectation hurts so better lower your expectations.

On the contrary, I thanked God that I experience something new. Something that I am usually a part of but during my day, I am the “beneficiary.” Sa wakas, I experienced a surprise something from my friends. Surprise cupcake, surprise na paglabas nila na may balloon, surprise something and it’s something that I can cherish forever as the first time my friends exerted an effort to surprise me on my special day. Simple yet meaningful and something that I long to experience for the past few years of life. Mafeel ko man lang ang effort ng mga kaibigan ko and it made me feel very special. Sabi ko nga, mabuti na lang at may nangyaring kakaiba ngayon, akala ko just a simple and ordinary day lang ito. Know what? I thank God for giving me those girls and my other friends who exerted effort to make my day something worth remembering and something special. Ako naman ang babawi sa kanila next time. :)

But perhaps the biggest surprise that I got from my day is that the second of June is the day when we first saw the ‘would be symptoms’ of Dan’s (my brother) sickness. I remember that we were in our room in the boarding house having a story telling when I asked Dan about the ‘swell spots(?)’ or bukol in his neck and he shared that he even have some in his head. I am personally alarmed that I asked Dan to force mama and papa to have him examined for any disease or sickness. Masaya pa kami noon, nagkkwentuhan at nagtatawanan. Dan even got the chance to roam at Embarcadero and Legazpi but we didn’t know that something alarming is unfolding without us the knowing. Days later, he was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia which is for me, the hardest and the worst family challenge we are currently facing. Nakakabigla na tipong in just one click, something can change or perhaps everything change. But still I am quite optimistic that everything will be all right and will soon be back to normal. Pano ba yan? Happy Birthday na lang kuya BEEjorn and may God bless you always!

Postscript: All the things mentioned made my 19^th birthday deserve the title, my best and worst birthday so far.

family

last May 25, we went to Sipocot, my father's hometown para maki-fiesta sa Barangay Impig. well, the simple fiesta turned into somewhat of a reunion because uncle Arnel (papa's father) just got home from Saudi Arabia after almost a decade. also, it was our first visit to our cousins and relatives after almost a month or two. soo yun maraming pagkain. yumyum. busog na busog ako at nasira ang self-control ko. haha. well, yun na nga parang nagreunion kami and the whole afternoon, i got the chance to hang out with Kia (a 2 year old cousin) and we played all afternoon. well, having the photographer's instinct within me, i took some photos using the new nokia x3-02 which i borrowed from mama while my phone's charger was left in legazpi. by the way, since i am not good in narrating stories let me present things via pictures (by the way, i am visual. haha)

She is Kia. one of our youngest cousins in the father side. she was the one i am referring above. the one whom i played for almost the whole afternoon by placing stickers on my face and dan's face and anything that a child can do. she even said that dan and i were his daddy. basta yun. madaldal at makulit! yan si kia! :D

He is jade. he is Kia's older and sole brother so far. eto ay makulit, sobrang kulit at makulit talaga. believe it or not, Jade is like me when i was still young just like what our relatives would say. parehas daw kami gwapo. haha. :D

a family picture taken to grab the opportunity while uncle arnel is in PH. sadly, two (i think) of their siblings are not included in the pic. uncle jun is is saudi, uncle yet is perhaps out while uncle bong is busy with his school works especially with Brigada Eskwela.

this is jade with his ninang. haha. :)

and this is the sticker Kia gave me. a turtle, i was reminded of MnT which i am the pagong/turtle. :D

TEN YEARS

let me share to you one part of my 'published' book of myself. this part is entitled 10 years from now. basically, this part should be the part wherein i should describe and state what, where and who i am after 10 years but i decided to do it with a little bit of twist by narrating what happened during the ten years. simply, this is my dream. this is the Russ i would want to become after ten years (atleast for now). haha. btw, some parts with gramatical errors were improved though i can say that this article still contains grammatical errors. enjoy reading. :)

***

Its 2021 now and it was exactly ten years ago when I submitted a book of myself to Prof. Vida Sales as one of our major requirements in the Personal Growth and Processes course. I enjoyed the process of coming up a book of myself but at the same time I felt problematic about how my book of myself would look like when I submitted it. Well, it was ten years ago. Many things changed and many are still changing. I can still remember what Ms. Teran, one of my favorite high school teachers said to us, “When you dream, dream BIG! Because everything starts in dreaming.” Today, I'm 28 years old now but then going back to what had happened (focusing on the highlights) after ten years is quite an exciting and thrilling one.

Well, it was in March 2011 that I was elected as the Human Welfare Advocates President and I was very excited and I was really looking forward to start my one year stint as the HWA President to usher in what I called ‘a year of changes for the years to come’ for the student organization of the social work students. Two months later, I passed the Battery Exam which signaled the continuation of my journey to graduation with a degree in Social Work even though my mother asked me if I am really sure in finishing social work. If I can remember it right, I was in the Top 5 when the over-all results were posted and I was very happy with that. All my friends passed and since we passed, a hike at the foot of Mayon Volcano and a road trip to the north is our prize to ourselves. What a fun time!

2012. During my third year, I was very challenged with Thesis Writing just like any other third year and former third year social work students. Plus challenge was my position with Human Welfare Advocates and my longing to make HWA a better, if not the best, organization aimed in developing the student’s potentials and facilitating holistic development. Moreover, it was a great year, though really challenging (with my love life involve).

2013. My last year in college was the most challenging one. Being in a community is not that easy for me especially that I had been used in urban setting. However, I enjoyed the stay much for it was very relax and serene in the community as if my connection with nature is at its maximum. Nonetheless, a great last year marked by another experience that I am treasuring up to now. To end my four long (though I felt that it was short due to the fact that I enjoyed every piece of it) years of college was the graduation. I graduated in Bicol University College of Social Sciences and Philosophy with a degree in Social Work as Cum Laude which is of course, my tribute not only to myself but also to my friends, mentors and of course my parents.

Reviewing for the board was never easy. There are a lot of distractions that should be dealt with accordingly. It was in June 2013 that I finally took the board exam to add an RSW (Registered Social Worker not the other one) and become a duly registered Social Worker and to be able to practice my profession at full. When results came, I made it to the Top 10. Actually, I was the 2013 Social Work Licensure Examination Topnotcher and our batch made another milestone in the history of the department by having a 100% passing rate. All the efforts (which includes mine and of others) paved off and I’m very thankful to God, my parents, my mentors and my friends. After the testimonial rites, I had my one month vacation before starting my career.

After passing the Board, I was really confused on what setting and agency to apply for. Of course during that time and for some reasons, I would want to apply at the DSWD or at the Naga City Social Welfare and Development Office (which Sir Jim keeps on telling me) because of job security compared to applying in an NGO. However, I said to myself that my social work experience will never be complete if I will not apply in an NGO. So I finally decided to apply as social worker in an NGO in Naga, then eventually in Manila. I even reached Masbate, Leyte, Maguindanao and other poverty stricken provinces in the country as part of my duty in my Manila-based NGO. Since, I am in Manila and I would want to improve I decided to take my Masters at the University of the Philippines. Gladly, after two years, I already finished my masters with flying colors.

Well, basically the years 2013 – 2015 were my work years where I started my social work career with 2015 as the year when I finally got my Masters. After getting my masters, I went back to Bicol and worked for a Legazpi-based NGO. Also, it was in 2013 that my love life started to sprung and add colors to my life. It was in 2016 that I finally got one of my wishes came true, my wish to be a part of the academe. It was in this year that I started teaching (on a contractual basis) at the social work department where I pay homage of what and where I am now. It was also in 2016 that I started to pursue a law degree to become a social lawyer (social worker plus lawyer). In 2018, after a two year stay in the academe, I decided to leave to focus on earning my law degree and on working as social worker. It was on 2019 that I finally graduated and and earned my law degree and eventually I passed the Bar Exams with flying colors.

On 2020, after passing the bar, I decided to start my doctoral studies to further boost my learning. On the next year, I was hired at UNICEF (one of my greatest dream) and was assigned to war torn and poverty stricken countries like Afghanistan, Pakistan, Korea, and Egypt depending on the needs of UNICEF personnel. While working UNICEF, the honorarium I received was being allotted in the construction of my dream house in the Philippines which at that time was supervised by my parents. After a year (2021) of working with UNICEF, I decided to render my resignation and went home to my most beloved Philippines in my new house.

After going back to the Philippines, I applied at Department of Social Welfare and Development and was luckily hired. Today, aside from having a stable job at DSWD and rich experiences that I have had, I am now starting my business ventures with my friends, Christina Alexia Castro and Trixia Mae Felix, and another business venture with Mara Erika Dela Cruz and Marc Daryll Queng to suffice my financial needs at present and in the future (especially my plans of going around the world). I am also helping my parents, little by little, to put into reality their dream retirement home and farm at uptown Naga City and another dream retirement home and resort at Sipocot. But the major event that will be happening in my life this year is my marriage to my loved one next year and thus, signaling the start of my family life. I and my loved one is starting to save money to be used in starting our family. But before that, I remember that MnT will have a African and European Cruise Reunion sponsored by Kuya Bjorn Oropesa. Excited na ako! Which will be followed by another international reunion with me and my bestfriends group (Alex, Trixia, Rica and Rufo).

Well, ten years seem short and I miss a lot of moments but I’m thankful I met a lot of people and I meet my friends whom up to now stayed. By the way, the MnT is planning to start a foundation little by little and I hope we will be successful in this endeavor. Furthermore, I am also an active advocate for our environment now lobbying for a greener and cleaner Philippines and the World. Perhaps, i can say that i am successful in my career and hopefully will also become successful in my personal/family life. I reached a distance with a short 10 years but i am very sure that i can and i will go further within the next 10 years. :)

RUSS DANIEL OLIVA BALDOZA, Ph.D., J.D.

"It is better to aim high and miss than to aim low and hit" - Martin Vanbee

agua de mayo ni lola

AGUA DE MAYO! umulan na. sayang, hindi ako nabasa kahit man lang ng isang patak. tsktsk. hmm. but then, aside from the agua de mayo, it's my maternal lola's birthday and because of that we went to Polangui, my legal birthplace even without mama who happened to be in bohol, busy catching tarsiers. nyahahaha. we ate, we have fun and we shared stories and the rest is history. HAPPY 70th BIRTHDAY MA SON!

manghuhuli ng tarsier si mama

nakatakda ngayon ang pag-alis ni mama papuntang bohol. of course, daan muna siyang manila via air then manila-cebu then cebu-bohol via fast craft (ata). good thing, may pasalubong. bad thing, hindi ako kasama! tsktsk. sayang ng opportunity. hmm. well, it was kind of a reunion for mama and her high school friends and parang excited na din ako na magkaroon ng ganoon with my high school or even college friends in the future. haha. hm. nasabay sa birthday ni tatan ang pag-alis ni mama kaya walang handa. tsktsk. kawawa naman. first time atang mangyari ito sa kanya pero sabagay ayos lang yun ng mafeel naman niya ang naffeel ko. haha. pero siyempre meron pa rin naman yung handa or kain sa labas. just wait tatan!

hm. dahil maaga ang alis ni mama at kami ay gumigising ng tanghali na ginawan ko din siya ng ingat greeting at pinost ko sa tabi ng kay dante. haha. hmm. self-explanatory na ang message kaya yun. ingat na lang ma sa panghuhuli ng tarsier. :D

kaarawan ni tatan

it is somehow a custom to our family that whenever one would celebrate his/her birthday, someone else from the family would make a birthday greeting in a coupon bond with the celebrant's picture and message of whatsoever. since i am the somehow techie member of the family who knows how to do this and that in photoshop, i make the birthday greetings more often than not and have it posted at the front of the glass cabinet where mama's cup collections are kept.

since today is april 29, it's tatan's birthday. nyahaha. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TATAN!

take note: wag kakalimutang magsipilyo. haha. :D

sure na daw ba ako?

pagkatapos ng makailang ulit na pagpapaawa, pagpaparinig at pagpapaawa ulit ay nabilhan na ako ng PAYONG ni mama na magagamit ko laban sa manaka-nakang pag-ulan na kadalasang nangyayari sa albay at sa labis na init na mas lalong nagpapaitim ng dati ko ng maitim na kutis. sa wakas may proteksyon na ako! haha.

well, this post is not really about my new umbrella. i just remembered an incidence that happened while we were eating our family lunch on January 16. the lunch was normal and it is just a usual family lunch on a sunday noon. but what made it unusual for me is the fact that mama asked me if i am really sure in pursuing Social Work as if she is still hoping that i will shift my career path to another profession or field. she even joked that if i want, i can become a seaman. but it really puzzled me why mama asked that question when she know for a fact that i am 98% sure of pursuing and finishing social work. what could really be the reason behind that and what are the thoughts running behind mama's mind? i really wonder. hmmm.

bigatin na ako.

sinadya ako ni lola sa legazpi nung tuesday ata yun. pinauwi ako ng lunchbreak sa boarding house kahit na hindi na ako umuuwi sa bhous kapag lunch dahil mabuti ng kasabay ko ang mga kaibigan ko sa pagkain kaysa wala akong kasabay at sayang ng 6 pesos na pamasahe. akala ko kung ano, yun pala eh mangungutang si lola. nagulat ako ng una dahil wala pa naman akong trabaho na nagsasahod na na pwedeng magpahiram sa kanya. pero alam niyang may pera ako dahil sa refund na natanggap ko sa pagiging academic scholar. siyempre, dahil hindi naman ako pinalaking sinungaling at ganid (kung tama ang term ko) sa pera ng mga magulang ko ay binigay ko kay lola ang 3,000 pesos na ipon ko galing sa mga allowance at refund ng scholarship. sabagay, hindi naman yun lalapit si lola kung meron siya o kung hindi talaga ganun kailangan. binigay ko na kay lola kahit na may alinlangan ako kung magbabayad pa siya. pagkauwi ni lola ay sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi na ako mag-eexpect na babayaran yun. sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na pera naman yun at madali lang yung makuha ulit lalo na kapag nakagraduate na ako. pero ang ipinagtaka ko ay bakit ng bilin siya na wag sasabihin kay mama na nag-utang siya. tsktsk. pero sinabi ko pa rin kay mama ang mga pangyayari at sinegundahan niya ang naiisip ko na hindi na yun ibabalik.

well, ganun pa man. feeling ko tuloy bigatin na ako. inuutangan na ako ni lola?! parang may trabaho lang eh at sumasahod buwanan. haha. isa na namang first time - pinautang ko si lola. ang wish ko lang, sana ay gamitin niya ng maayos ang pera makabalik man or hind sa akin. :D

failure

i am not batman, nor spiderman, nor superman (which kuya lou lauraya always referred me as whenever we would cross our paths). i'm just a ordinary guy trying to do things extraordinarily. i'm just an average guy with an almost six-feet height with an unknown weight. i'm just a regular person who exerts his best in everything that he does hoping to make the people around him and himself happy and satisfied at the end of the day. i'm just a usual guy trying to make the best out of myself and to others aspiring to be the best son to my parents (not undermining my two other brothers), best student to my teachers and mentors, best brother to my siblings, best friend to my friends and the best person to myself more than to others. i', just a guy longing for things that ordinary human longed such as appreciation. i'm just a typical guy, who in time, would erupt and say, 'hey! i'm tired! i'm tired of exerting my best yet few people appreciate it! i'm tired of the insensitivities and animosities of the people around! i'm tired and i'm just tired!' but later on would go on and convince himself that it's not worth giving-up the fight. i'm just a normal guy who would want to receive a piece of appreciation from the people he appreciate. i'm just a guy who needs a break NOW more than anything else.

today, i had the worst fight with my sister. good thing, we were able to express what we want to express and what we wanted to say. perhaps even the sentiments that had been buried in a baul had been exhumed. i was hurt. those words from her mouth broke my heart and filled my eyes with tears. iba pala sa feeling kapag sinabihan ka ng kapatid mo, who you just tried to protect, that if she will be given a chance to choose her siblings, she would crossed me out of her list. iba pala sa feeling kapag sinumbatan ka ng kapatid mo at ipinamikha sayo na wala kang kwentang kapatid despite all your efforts. iba pala talaga kapag umiyak ka dahil sa isang taong mahal mo who would, if she have a chance, delete you from her world (sa palagay ko). iba sa feeling kapag sinabihan ka ng kapatid mo na wala na siyang pakialam sayo. nakakalungkot. i feel useless as her brother. i feel as if i am a nonentity as a brother to her. i failed. those big brother comments ago? all of those were dropped when my sister doesn't even appreciate me as her brother.

but hey! if i will be given a chance to choose my siblings, i would definitely include her. i'm grateful that she is my sister and i owe to her the BIG PART of who i am today. sadly, she didn't even feel it or even appreciate it. i would definitely not hesitate to choose her over and over again kasi mahal ko siya.

today, i had the longest cry (from as far as i can remember). and today my feelings and my heart are on the ground. today, i should rest and wait for the sun to rise again. good night. :(