FIELD INSTRUCTION 2 DIARIES: 2

A day after (January 16, 2013) I wrote my first entry in my FI 2 Diaries, I wrote the second and the last entry and here is it:

All the while, I thought things will eventually fall in it's proper places. Something like a bad start with a happy ending. But i was wrong. Expectations have been broken. Positivity is winding down and every passing day becomes a struggle to hold on and survive. I thought this journey is something exciting, something genuine, something worth while and something worth remembering. But reality tells me otherwise. I don't and I won't stop the fight but will you blame me if I say that the only reasons why I hold on to this ill-fated journey of mine are my peers, friends, family and my need to get my diploma?

:'(

Field Instruction 2 Diaries: 1

During one of the most trying times that I experienced during Field Instruction (or OJT for other degrees), I tried to pour my emotions out through writing. I entitled it Field Instruction 2 Diaries. Sadly, I only came up with two (2) entries due largely to the never ending requirements that I need to accomplish and comply. Nonetheless, i decided to put the two entries here and so here is my first catharsis dated January 15, 2013.

It's the third week of the year and pretty much, it's my eight week here in the area as a community organizer. Akala ko things would change along the with the change of the year. But since things are not getting any better especially with my community organizing experience (CO), I decided to start writing a series of write-ups. At least, I can devote my free time before going to dreamland in writing something that I can share to my fellow students and would-be FI 2 students and at the same time, in order for me to maintain my sanity. However, this is something I would call as a bitter experience.

Well, my seventh FI week started not good and things and turning to worse and from our supposed transition to CO related work and tasks, we are back as data gatherers or surveyors or interviewers. Akalain mo, pinagalitan kami ng minamahal naming supervisor dahil sa tingin niya ay hindi kami flexible and we lack sense of urgency. Should we be informed earlier na nandito kami sa area as data gatherers or surveyors or interviewers and not as CO workers, eh mas matatanggap ko sana ang mga pangyayari. But last time I checked, we should be here because we need to organize the community. Ano ba talaga?

I never imagined my CO experience to be this worse. Sayang ng opportunity to learn. Wala naman akong magawa dahil nakagapos ako sa isang sistemang pagnagreklamo ka, ikaw ang masama. Napadpad ako sa sitwasyong wala akong magawa kundi lulunin at lumulon.

At the end of the day, I just realized how 'doing what you love' differs from 'doing what you need/forced to do.' Iba talaga kapag gusto mo ang ginagawa mo. Mas masaya ka! Mas productive ka at mas magian ang pakiramdam mo. But things are different if you only do something because you just need to do it. Dun na ako sa puntong ginagawa ko nalang ang mga bagay-bagay dahil kinakailangan at hindi dahil gusto ko. Haaay! I remember dreaming of my CO experience as something worth remembering. Something more real, something good, something funfilled and something which can be called as a lifetime experience. :(

Ang Tinta. Bow.

Hello! How are you? Kumusta? Ano ang gagawin ko para tuminta ka na? Sayang ng Php 40.00 ko. Huhuhu. Tinta please? Bakit? Please! A □ □ □ Wala na namang tinta! □ #1≥♀○«Å P1II Tinta Please. Bakit ka ganyan? Nakailan ka na? Sayang ng tinta. Huhu. Tsktsk. Hmp. Please be careful! Please be gentle! Please don't be too much sayang! Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhu. Tsktsktsk. tsk. tsk. tsktsk. ! Bakit ganito?


-Isang novelang nakita ko sa isang lumang notebook na nagsasalarawan ng aking pakikibaka, kagustuhan at pagiging desperado na mapa-tinta ulit ang aking yumaong GTech. Hahahaha.

Photo from: https://si0.twimg.com/profile_images/2606844588/agnw05g58weygtkvgezv.jpeg

Cheers! :)

I dreamed of reaching the top and i failed. Not only did i dreamed but i also gave my best shot but my efforts were somehow futile. I was disappointed with myself and i have no one and nothing to blame except myself. I was scared about what other people might say. About their expectations that i failed to meet and about what they will be saying. That was my initial reaction.

But now, i'm over it. I accepted things as they were and as they are. Perhaps there's something greater that is waiting to be realized. The horizon is wide and far ranging and instead of flooding myself with disappointment, fear and ill-feelings, there are countless reasons why i need to celebrate what had happened like the fact that BUCSSP remains as the Top Performing School of Social Work in the Philippines and of course, the fact that almost all of my friends (of course including me) passed. 

So sa lahat ng nagturo, gumabay, umagapay, dumamay, tumulong, nagmahal, nagpasaya, nagpangiti, nagbigay ng inspirasyon, naghatid ng motibasyon, umasa, nagdasal, nagpamisa, nagpakain, nagtweet, nagmessage, bumati, nakiramay, nakibahagi at nagpugay sa akin -- SALAMAT at SALAMAT ng marami!

With love na may halong pagmamahal,

Russ Daniel Oliva Baldoza, RSW

my RANT

kami ang MnT. We're friends since first year college up to now and this is what i am proud and happy of. our growing and strengthening friendship despite our differences is something to be celebrated. well, everything's fine within the group i suppose. there are no internal problems because we value smooth interpersonal relationship which honestly becomes bad at some point. however, we have proved that we can stood with whatever stands in our way. so far, so good!

however, when we talk about external matters, there's a different atmosphere and it's a different subject matter which for me is complicated-but-not-complicated. it's not because a problem with classmates or batchmates but it's more of a problem with how some people with authority bestowed upon them misunderstood and prejudged not only some individual members of the group but the group in general. judgement that unfortunately do not only affect the group but the whole batch as well. anyway, this blogpost is abouy my rant and my rant only. this is me speaking as me and not as a student of social work but as the normal and ordinary me who want to speak my mind. matagal ko na rin gustong magsalita but i choose to keep silent and instead just write a blogpost. buti na lang i am always reminded with the principle na "intindihin mo na lang dahil ikaw ang nakakaintindi" though sometimes i wonder how long shall we understand. 

just last tuesday (if i can remember), two MnT friends have a conversation with a person with authority due to some business in between them. after their conversation, they were asked to share or were given the approval to share whatever she have said during the conversation full of lashing and unfounded generalization and judgement in my own opinion.

"Birds of the same feathers, flock together," "pare-parehas kayong immature," "hindi talaga maganda tumulong lagi" and "kaya nagbago ang blocking para mapaghiwa-hiwalay kayo (referring to the group)" are among the other things that she said. i found it judgmental on her part. maganda din naman na ang pagkakamali ng isa ay kasalanan ng lahat but to label all including those who don't do immature acts is very judgmental on her part. i found it ironic that the people who should be the epitome of professionalism are the ones who are not keen in observing what they have been telling their learners since the start. worse, her message on how helping can be bad is way out of proportions. nakakainis!

sabi niya we're immature, because every time she sees us, we're smiling and laughing our lungs out despite the stressors around which includes mountain high requirements? because where being childish and we're guilty of it but that's our coping mechanism? because we're happy and not in vain or misery? we're branded as immature albeit we can live up to the expectations given to us; albeit we perform extra-jobs or carriages that not all students dare to carry; albeit our active extra-curricular life which somehow can be justified by the positions that MnT members hold, to wit: (includes posts being hold on a concurrent status with other posts)

• 5 are presidents of either the class, college based organization or creative circle
• 2 are vice-presidents of either the class, college based organization or creative circle
• 2 are secretaries of a college based organization
• 3 are treasurers of either a university based organization, college based organization or class
• 1 is an auditor of a university based organization
• 3 are members of the editorial staff of the ally
• 1 is a muse and title-holder
• 5 are facilitators of college based organization

yeah. i know maturity cannot be measured by the number of position one may hold but i think it has a bearing. perhaps the good question is that, what is the maturity that she wanted? ewan. i don't know if i am making a point here. naisip ko pa, it's just the start of the second semester and ganito na. shall we be expecting a hell-semester? anyway, sa pagkakakilala ko sa grupo, hindi kami nagapapapekto ng sobra sa mga ganitong bagay pero we also know how to burst-out just like everybody else. i know that someday, somehow, we'll prove those persons who judged us wrong. sigurado ako!

realization 3

laisa and i had a wonderful conversation in fb chat last night if i am right and in the middle of the conversation, we had realized one important fact.

sabi ko most girls are too fixated with the though of having the ideal guy that's why they end up getting hurt. sabi niya naman, while girls expect for guys to be ideal, some guys try to be ideal too. that's why girls and guys end up hurting each other

resignation

if you have the patience to read my past blog posts, perhaps you know what blue feather society is and that i am the chancellor of the prestigious honor society in BU. things change now because i choose what i think i should do and what i think is right.

Supposedly, i will post this after being signed and approved by Dr. Lauraya but due to the usual process in the bureaucracy (i think), the president has yet to sign my resignation letter. Considering that it will be almost a month now after i formally submitted the letter, it would be good that everyone would know.

I hope you'll find time in reading my resignation letter, as to give light on why i choose to resign irrevocably. It is a pleasure working with you as your former chancellor and rest assured that i will always be in support for the officers and its society. Good day!

****************************************************************************

THE ORDER OF THE BICOL UNIVERSITY ORDER OF THE BLUE FEATHER SOCIETY
The Official Honor Society of Bicol University
Daraga, Albay

05 September 2011

Dr. FAY LEA PATRIA MATA – LAURAYA

Adviser, The Order of the Bicol University Blue Feather Society

SUC President IV, Bicol University

                            Through: Dr. BABY BOY BENJAMIN D. NEBRES III 

                                           Asst. Adviser, The Order of the BU Blue Feather Society

                                           University Scholarship, Financial and Grants-in-Aid Officer

Dear Dr. LAURAYA:

Greetings of Peace and Prosperity!

It is on March 2011 that the first cornerstone of the first honor society in Bicol University was laid on the ground through the First Scholars’ Assembly organized by the Office of Student Services through Dr. Baby Boy Benjamin Nebres III, gathering the top students of the different academic units of the university to select the would be interim officers of The Order of the Bicol University Blue Feather Society, the first honor society in the university and perhaps in the entire Bicol Region.  With pride and honor, I accepted the challenge to become the first president of the Society with the first mission of establishing a strong foundation for the Society as I am proud that together with my fellow interim officers, we have achieved what was expected of us through framing the Constitution and By-Laws of the Society.

After four months, the Second Scholars’ Assembly was called to adopt the Constitution and By-Laws prepared by the interim officers and to elect full pledged officers who shall lead the organization in forming its identity and attaining its vision of promoting excellence in scholarship, leadership, character and service in the entire university. Again, with pride and honor, I accepted the challenge to become the first-ever Chancellor of the Society.

Since my election to the office, I have yet to prove my worth and my capability in leading this prestigious organization to greater heights and making the BUeños proud and aware of its existence. Sadly and truthfully, I must accept the fact that I am failing myself, the Society’s members and I am failing the Society as a whole. It is as if it was caught on a standstill with just papers and officers to prove its existence, nothing more, nothing less. I must accept the fact that while I am proving myself in my department and the college as the president of the Human Welfare Advocates in BUCSSP, I am failing in the university as the chancellor of the Society.  Perhaps in simpler term, I must admit my incompetence as the chancellor of the Society.

In this regard, I am submitting my irrevocable resignation as the chancellor of The Order of the Bicol University Blue Feather Society: The Official Honor Society in Bicol University effective immediately due to the following reasons, to wit:

1. Incompetence to perform the duties expected of me as indicated above;
2. Conflict with some of the values that the Society wish to impart;
3. Desire to focus more on my studies and my extra-curricular commitments to my college and department; and
4. Personal reasons related to family which I do not wish to disclose.

Moreover, I would like to extend my appreciation to Dr. Baby Boy Benjamin D. Nebres III, the Society assistant adviser who unselfishly offered his time, ideas and efforts in organizing and guiding the Society, to the officers and members of the Order of the Bicol University Order of the Blue Feather Society who placed their trust to me since the First Scholars’ Assembly up to this day. I would also like to wish Mark Evan Aniel, the Society Vice-Chancellor for Internal Affairs, my constitutional and rightful successor all the best and that he may be able to fulfill the duties and responsibilities that I failed to meet and so as with all the officers of the Society. Rest assured that I will be supporting the Society one hundred percent in attaining its vision, mission and the purpose why it was founded.

Furthermore, before I end this resignation letter, I wish to convey three recommendations to the officers and to the administration as well on how the Society can be improved:

1. First, given the special nature of the organization as the official honor society of the university, it shall be accorded the same privileges given to the University Student Council as the Official Student Organization and Council of the whole of the university, The Bicol Universitarian as the Official University Publication and should not be simply regarded as just another university based organization left to stand on its own. Unlike other UBOs who get support outside the university, the Society must be supported by the university itself considering that the Society speaks of the best of Bicol University. For instance, financially, without the aid of the university, the Society can do less to become financially viable to create programs and projects especially that its members are academic scholars who perhaps worked hard for them to pay less tuition fee;
2. Second, political patronage must not be promoted in the Society by not allowing the nominations and eventual granting of honorary, emeritus and distinguished membership to politicians as a way to secure funds or funding. By doing so, the Society is sending the wrong message to the good breed of future leaders that Bicol University wish to produce; and,
3. Create and organize programs, with the aid of the University Administration who can encourage more BUeños to aspire to become a member of the Society and to do all things necessary to discourage the division that the Society could promote given that its members are branded as the crème de la crème of the university.

Again, my utmost gratitude and appreciation for this opportunity and my fervent wish for the Society’s success under a new leadership.

I am hoping for your favorable response regarding this matter and God bless!

Sincerely yours,

(SGD) RUSS DANIEL O. BALDOZA

Chancellor, The Order of the Bicol University Blue Feather Society

Recommending Approval:

(SGD) Dr. BABY BOY BENJAMIN D. NEBRES III

Assistant Adviser, The Order of the Bicol University Blue Feather Society

University Scholarship, Financial and Grants-in-Aid Officer

Approved:

Dr. FAY LEA PATRIA MATA – LAURAYA

Adviser, The Order of the Bicol University Blue Feather Society

SUC President IV, Bicol University

***i originally posted this in the facebook group page of BFS and there are some who leave their comments and some did...

while a member from BUPC chose to write on my wall... 

and these people make resignations regrettable. i owe them some appreciation but i must stand by my decision. ADIOS BLUE FEATHERS! i started with a happy heart and i leave with a heavy heart but with a smiling face looking in the future. wish them all the luck!

feeling

PARANG ANSARAP MA-HEART BROKEN NGAYONG MGA PANAHON.

sadness

MALUNGKOT AKO. :(

That’s the shortest way of summarizing what this post is all about. Ewan! Feeling ko bi-polar na din ako katulad ng bestfriend kong si rica. Ewan ulit. Inaamin ko na nag-enjoy naman ako kanina sa 7^th foundation celebration ng bicol university college of social sciences and philosophy na inumpisahan ng isang one big boodle fight sa department. It’s such a delight to see the more or less 250 social work students eat in a series of tables barehanded. Sharing food, laughter and chitchats. Meeting new acquaintances, making stronger friendships kumbaga. Walang arte-arte. Walang posisyon. Lahat masaya at lahat maligaya. Masaya at nakakabusong at nakakaenjoy at basta masaya ako. In the afternoon, it was followed by a short program with me joining in the singing (as bass or bajo/baho) of the famous sarong banggi and the one with ‘ikaw lamang ang aking iibigin magpakailanman,’ then followed by an agape of native kakanin foods. Benta ang sa department. Ambilis naubos. At sumunod din ang laro ng lahi na hindi ako nagparticipate pero sa panonood pa lang ay masaya na. Actually, it’s nostalgic because it reminds me of the glory of my childhood days where I actively play patintero and other laro ng lahi. Nakaka-miss.

But then, after the dusts settle kumbaga, I feel that there is something wrong. There is something sad within me. Ewan na naman pero feeling ko narealize ko lang na malungkot ako ng tinawag ako ng Auhm Girls na kasama si Yanie kong mga kaibigan na samahan ko sila sa pagkain at pagkkwentuhan pero tinanong muna nila ako kung okay lang daw ako. Sabi ko, oo. Oo dahil hindi ko pa finifeel na malungkot ako at oo dahil yun naman ang kadalasang sagot ko sa mga taong nagtatanong kung okay lang ako sa mga panahong hindi naman talaga ako okay. Oo na naman dahil hindi ko din alam kung ano ang dahilan at malungkot ako at wala akong maisasagot kapag kinulit ako ng mga babae ng buhay kolehiyo ko. Sabi nga sa text, may mabuti at madali pang magsmile kesa ipaliwanag sa iba ang dahilan kung bakit ka malungkot. Pero feeling ko dahil ito sa pagiging mag-isa ko ng mga nakaraang araw. Mag-isa as in alone, loner at anu-ano pang synonyms. Halibawa, mag-isa kong pagkain sa hapag-kainan. Mag-isang pagsisimba. Mag-isa sa buhay-buhay. Siguro para sa iba ay normal o hindi issue ito pero ang sabi ko nga kay ate edlyn of ERDA na nakasama ko sa Art Therapy Seminar-Workshop, people person ako. Mas gusto kong may kasama kesa nag-iisa. Ayaw na ayaw kong mag-isa kahit pa sabi ni bhem na pinsan ko ay mas solemn magsimba kapag mag-isa. kahit pa matetempt ka na manlibre kapag may kasama kang iba dahil nahihiya ka at kahit pa sarili mo ang oras mo at wala kang icoconsider kundi ang sarili mo. At kahit ano pang pilit kong gawing mindset na maaring ganito ang set-up pagnag-umpisa na akong magtrabaho at pinili ko ang urban jungle ng maynila, nakakalungkot pa rin. Idagdag pa ata ang pagiging homesick at pagiging pagod. Pagiging homesick dahil sa hindi pag-uwi ng nakaraang week at pagod dahil sa kabila’t kanang academic matters to attend to and extra-academic matters to fulfill na sa kasamaang palad ay hindi ko na kinaya at nag-resign na ako bilang chancellor ng Blue Feather Society. Ayaw na! Feeling ko kelangan ko munang magpahinga, mag-unwind at huminga ng mas mapreskong hangin.

Feeling ko malungkot ako dahil I am starting to doubt my very existence as a friend and the importance of me in the circle of friends of my friends. Sabi ko nga, I can define friendship as something that is precious, something that serves as a light in the midst of darkness and something that can bring about happiness, sadness, contentment, contempt, change and so many things to the persons engaged in such relationship. It is something that must be treasured and protected sa paniniwala ko. That no one or nothing can easily take it away from you or your friend. Alam mo yung with every passing second, minute, hour and day, I am starting to believe that with or without me, everything is just the same, no more, no less kumbaga. The world will go around like what it should do and the people around me will spend their day with things that they supposed to do without even knowing or thinking that I am not in the picture. Mahirap at feeling ko umiiral lang ang pagiging emosyonal ko pero feeling ko hindi. Feeling ko hindi ko lang nakikita ang importance ko bilang kaibigan at kulang ang nafefeel kong appreciation sa mga kaibigan ko. Sabi nga ni Mang Andres sa 100 days to heaven, lahat ng tao kailangang makatanggap ng appreciation mula sa iba at kailangan nilang maramdama ang importansya nila. At sabi din ni Maslow sa kanyang hierarchy of needs, na hindi ko ganung katanda ay kasali ang appreciation sa pangangailangan ng tao. Feeling ko yun lang yun.

Pero while I am feeling sad because of that, I can say that I had my new coping mechanism. To lessen my expectations to feel less pain or sadness. Tama baga ang kasabihang expectation hurts. Pansin ko, nung binabaan ko ang expectations ko, gumian ang buhay ko. Mas naging maayos at mas konti ang disappointments. Yun tipong hindi mo kailangang ipagpilitan ang sarili mo dahil wala lang. basta yun tipong okay na to, okay na to. Kung maiisip nila ako, masaya at thank you, kung hindi naman, hindi ganun kasaya pero thank you pa din. Ayaw na. bahala na muna for now. At least, nakapagventilate ako kahit dito muna sa blog.

now i know who they are

the first time i saw storyline on the abs-cbn news channel, my attention was easily caught. it's unique cinematography including its effects, sounds and others plus the way they deliver the stories of their interviewees is very appealing for the story is first hand and directly came from the interviewers themselves. however, since we do not have a tv at the boarding house in legazpi, i cannot really watch it per episode on a weekly basis on the ANC then. today, it is also shown in abs-cbn but still there is replay in ANC. hm. i think i had seen a couple of episodes including those that of Ninoy, Atty. Saguisag, Sec. Robredo, former senator pimentel and also a couple of episodes involving ordinary people like the story of a "kariton boy" who amused me because of his english speaking skills and interest in comics.

well, i forgot that last night was a storyline night and i don't even have a clue when will storyline be aired in ANC. worse, i saw a comment commending how beautiful the story was. good thing, it happened that i was doing a channel hop and i drop by in ANC and poof... it was STORYLINE. what i saw was the story about Dukot and if i am right it was about the torture victims. but the last story really really caught my attention and even caused goosebumps. it was the story of the "tragic story" of the sweetheart Alexis and Nika who were shot by robbers one night in Alexis' home at times st. sayang naman si Alexis oh! he can make a difference. tsktsk. worse thing is that they were good people who can bring and do a lot for the good of the Philippines. nakakahinayang! i may not know them personally but their story affected me. tsktsk. well, i hope justice will be serve for them anytime soon.

ps. while browsing some tumblr blogs, i came across a cover of UNO Magazine which bears the phrases "Justice for Alexis and Justice for Nika. during those time, i am really ignorant of who they are and i even told myself that maybe they were children who were victims of child abuse. good thing, my ignorance was changed and social consciousness aroused when i saw the episode.

pss. two thumbs up for storyline. :D

psss. JUSTICE FOR ALEXIS AND NIKA! Good people deserve it!

pssss. photos below were grabbed from philstar.net and fb page of in memoriam of alexis and nika.

failure

i am not batman, nor spiderman, nor superman (which kuya lou lauraya always referred me as whenever we would cross our paths). i'm just a ordinary guy trying to do things extraordinarily. i'm just an average guy with an almost six-feet height with an unknown weight. i'm just a regular person who exerts his best in everything that he does hoping to make the people around him and himself happy and satisfied at the end of the day. i'm just a usual guy trying to make the best out of myself and to others aspiring to be the best son to my parents (not undermining my two other brothers), best student to my teachers and mentors, best brother to my siblings, best friend to my friends and the best person to myself more than to others. i', just a guy longing for things that ordinary human longed such as appreciation. i'm just a typical guy, who in time, would erupt and say, 'hey! i'm tired! i'm tired of exerting my best yet few people appreciate it! i'm tired of the insensitivities and animosities of the people around! i'm tired and i'm just tired!' but later on would go on and convince himself that it's not worth giving-up the fight. i'm just a normal guy who would want to receive a piece of appreciation from the people he appreciate. i'm just a guy who needs a break NOW more than anything else.

today, i had the worst fight with my sister. good thing, we were able to express what we want to express and what we wanted to say. perhaps even the sentiments that had been buried in a baul had been exhumed. i was hurt. those words from her mouth broke my heart and filled my eyes with tears. iba pala sa feeling kapag sinabihan ka ng kapatid mo, who you just tried to protect, that if she will be given a chance to choose her siblings, she would crossed me out of her list. iba pala sa feeling kapag sinumbatan ka ng kapatid mo at ipinamikha sayo na wala kang kwentang kapatid despite all your efforts. iba pala talaga kapag umiyak ka dahil sa isang taong mahal mo who would, if she have a chance, delete you from her world (sa palagay ko). iba sa feeling kapag sinabihan ka ng kapatid mo na wala na siyang pakialam sayo. nakakalungkot. i feel useless as her brother. i feel as if i am a nonentity as a brother to her. i failed. those big brother comments ago? all of those were dropped when my sister doesn't even appreciate me as her brother.

but hey! if i will be given a chance to choose my siblings, i would definitely include her. i'm grateful that she is my sister and i owe to her the BIG PART of who i am today. sadly, she didn't even feel it or even appreciate it. i would definitely not hesitate to choose her over and over again kasi mahal ko siya.

today, i had the longest cry (from as far as i can remember). and today my feelings and my heart are on the ground. today, i should rest and wait for the sun to rise again. good night. :(