FIELD INSTRUCTION 2 DIARIES: 2

A day after (January 16, 2013) I wrote my first entry in my FI 2 Diaries, I wrote the second and the last entry and here is it:

All the while, I thought things will eventually fall in it's proper places. Something like a bad start with a happy ending. But i was wrong. Expectations have been broken. Positivity is winding down and every passing day becomes a struggle to hold on and survive. I thought this journey is something exciting, something genuine, something worth while and something worth remembering. But reality tells me otherwise. I don't and I won't stop the fight but will you blame me if I say that the only reasons why I hold on to this ill-fated journey of mine are my peers, friends, family and my need to get my diploma?

:'(

Field Instruction 2 Diaries: 1

During one of the most trying times that I experienced during Field Instruction (or OJT for other degrees), I tried to pour my emotions out through writing. I entitled it Field Instruction 2 Diaries. Sadly, I only came up with two (2) entries due largely to the never ending requirements that I need to accomplish and comply. Nonetheless, i decided to put the two entries here and so here is my first catharsis dated January 15, 2013.

It's the third week of the year and pretty much, it's my eight week here in the area as a community organizer. Akala ko things would change along the with the change of the year. But since things are not getting any better especially with my community organizing experience (CO), I decided to start writing a series of write-ups. At least, I can devote my free time before going to dreamland in writing something that I can share to my fellow students and would-be FI 2 students and at the same time, in order for me to maintain my sanity. However, this is something I would call as a bitter experience.

Well, my seventh FI week started not good and things and turning to worse and from our supposed transition to CO related work and tasks, we are back as data gatherers or surveyors or interviewers. Akalain mo, pinagalitan kami ng minamahal naming supervisor dahil sa tingin niya ay hindi kami flexible and we lack sense of urgency. Should we be informed earlier na nandito kami sa area as data gatherers or surveyors or interviewers and not as CO workers, eh mas matatanggap ko sana ang mga pangyayari. But last time I checked, we should be here because we need to organize the community. Ano ba talaga?

I never imagined my CO experience to be this worse. Sayang ng opportunity to learn. Wala naman akong magawa dahil nakagapos ako sa isang sistemang pagnagreklamo ka, ikaw ang masama. Napadpad ako sa sitwasyong wala akong magawa kundi lulunin at lumulon.

At the end of the day, I just realized how 'doing what you love' differs from 'doing what you need/forced to do.' Iba talaga kapag gusto mo ang ginagawa mo. Mas masaya ka! Mas productive ka at mas magian ang pakiramdam mo. But things are different if you only do something because you just need to do it. Dun na ako sa puntong ginagawa ko nalang ang mga bagay-bagay dahil kinakailangan at hindi dahil gusto ko. Haaay! I remember dreaming of my CO experience as something worth remembering. Something more real, something good, something funfilled and something which can be called as a lifetime experience. :(

Testi

I had been lucky to be a part of the organizing team of the 3 out of 4 testimonial rites that was conducted by the Social Work Department since 2009. In fact, I acted as the head of the organizing team twice. As always, tasks were arduous and things were being given attention and being checked to the last and smallest details. Yung tipong dapat ay no stones are left unturned. Organizing such activity (which was simultaneously being conducted with the Acquaintance Party of the department) is very much stressful and tiring. And I can say that it's the biggest activity of the department with the end goal of making your guests and honorees feel special.

As years go on, the simple joy of being a part of the organizing team and attending the said event as regular attendee ignited a dream in me and to my classmates as well. That is, to attend the said event not as a student, nor an organizer but as an honoree. I would like to admit that I even dreamed of speaking in front of the department sharing my experiences and my journey towards passing the board exam. Of course, just like how we did it, at first I dreamed of a Testimonial Rite in a comfortable venue with an atmosphere of joy, gladness and appreciation with all the students in the department together. Feeling ko, kaparehas ng ilan (kung hindi man lahat), eto yung isa sa dalawang mga pangyayari na matagal kong (or naming) inantay at inabangan.

Pero siyempre, I know for a fact that dreams do not come true most of the time and as early as March 2013, I laid down my expectations regarding the testimonial in order for me to avoid being disappointed in the end. Okay na ang simple basta masaya at basta sincere ang atmosphere - that's what I said to myself. But as time progresses and the date for the activity is nearing, the information I got regarding the activity made me realized that this dream is now dead. In fact, when my classmates would ask me if I would attend, i would either keep quiet or answer a straight NO. But in the end, I still attended the activity. Not because I really would love and I really want to attend. I attended because of the respect and courtesy that I still have for the department. Come to think of it, last naman na ito. After that, sabihin na nating, I'm through with the department. Tapos na and I'm thankful for that!

Marami pa akong gustong sabihin pero I guess I have to end here to avoid saying things that may put me again in the spotlight. I just hope that the organizers and the department itself will hold an honest-to-goodness evaluation of an activity once fit for professionals and would be professionals (except ata kung barrio meeting or gathering ang theme ng activity). But before others react negatively to my statement, let me validate it. What I am trying to say is that I hope they (the organizing team) will give more effort on the next testimonial rites to come. Simplicity is fine or simplicity is even beauty but simplicity is not the avoidance of things that we think are grandiose, it's about making things comfortably easy for everybody without sacrificing the basics (eg. a truck for passers with simple designs made of recycled materials, proper coordination and information dissemination, a humane venue for all attendees, a nice and better program perhaps and such other things).

Well, yun lang naman ang sa akin. Simple na yan para maintindihan mo/niyo! >.<

Motorcade Truck

Lo and behold, ang pinakamagandang motorcade truck that I've seen in years with matching 'College of Social Services and Philosophy' streamer hanging on the front. This is epic. Just epic!

#iThought

If we fail to get through this today, we'll never succeed in getting through this in the future.

Unemployment Series

Unemployed like me? I found available jobs at Molino! Hahahaha. Ang masasabi ko lang, mahirap talaga ang buhay umemployed. :))))

This series is inspired by Alekkss' Unemployment Series.

Cheers! :)

I dreamed of reaching the top and i failed. Not only did i dreamed but i also gave my best shot but my efforts were somehow futile. I was disappointed with myself and i have no one and nothing to blame except myself. I was scared about what other people might say. About their expectations that i failed to meet and about what they will be saying. That was my initial reaction.

But now, i'm over it. I accepted things as they were and as they are. Perhaps there's something greater that is waiting to be realized. The horizon is wide and far ranging and instead of flooding myself with disappointment, fear and ill-feelings, there are countless reasons why i need to celebrate what had happened like the fact that BUCSSP remains as the Top Performing School of Social Work in the Philippines and of course, the fact that almost all of my friends (of course including me) passed. 

So sa lahat ng nagturo, gumabay, umagapay, dumamay, tumulong, nagmahal, nagpasaya, nagpangiti, nagbigay ng inspirasyon, naghatid ng motibasyon, umasa, nagdasal, nagpamisa, nagpakain, nagtweet, nagmessage, bumati, nakiramay, nakibahagi at nagpugay sa akin -- SALAMAT at SALAMAT ng marami!

With love na may halong pagmamahal,

Russ Daniel Oliva Baldoza, RSW

disclaimer for myself

i'm becoming busier every day. requirements after requirements are being given by the six major subjects that we have (if my memory serves me right or was it five?). anyway, a lot of catching up is still to be done with regards to my blogging. however, i don't have the luxury of time and the internet access that i need. sayang! anyway, as things become more challenging, i must learn to adapt. hindi pa ata ako graduating. third year pa lang ako. kung ganito ang third year, ano na kaya ang fourth year. anyway, since, i gave a promise to myself to blog whatever i would like to blog, the so be it. as usual, just like what is written on the right corner of my blog page, posts here (mostly) are ante dated. haha. ayos na yun basta may post. :)

eerie twenty-fourth

today is november 24, 2011, thursday and there seem to be an eerie (at least in my perspective) atmosphere in Bicol University. classes in MP/CAL building are said to be suspended tomorrow, the fences, gates and even buildings are re-painted, light bulbs were replaced with new bulbs, the facade of MP Building was well-lighted at night same with the four pillars of the university - all because of the ISO visit and the visit of President Noynoy Aquino for the Inauguration of the Climate Change Academy of Albay which is located at Bicol University.

well, the eerie thing was because of the unusual cleanliness of the university and the extra-ordinary politeness of some of the rude security guards of the university. naisip ko tuly, sana everyday ISO visit. sana everyday AACUP Accreditation at sana everyday bibisita si PNoy para mas maganda, maayos at mas malinis ang beyubs.

i wonder why this kind of mentality is still being observed by BU up to now. hindi ba pwedeng kahit walang bibisitang VIP o accreditors, maayos ang BU? I wonder...

realization 5

One time I got angry with a very dear friend of mine because I thought she hurt me with her actions and that she broke her promise to me. However, I realized that she did not do something wrong because in the first place, there’s no promise to fulfill except that she failed to inform me on her whereabouts one night when she was supposedly homebound. I realized that my sky high expectation which she seldom meet sparked my anger. Marasapang expectation ko to! Bottomline, I should start lowering my expectations to prevent situations like this from happening again.

justice for laesybil

a news reached me through sms that a schoolmate was found dead after being raped in an area near their house in bascaran, a rural community in daraga, albay. actually, she is from our neighbor college, the college of business, economics and management (cbem). she is also a third year student who is taking BS Accountancy, a valedictorian when she graduated in high school and a consistent dean's lister of cbem. what could have been a bright future for her and her family was crashed by an immoral person.

yes, perhaps, i don't know her personally but i don't think personally knowing the victim is a requirement for a person to stand-up against rape, violence and other kinds of inhumane acts. that's why when prof. mirabueno (bu cal) encourage the used of black ribbons as DP in fb, i changed my fb profile picture and when i was asked by laisa to make a lay-out of the tarp to be displayed infront of the department, i immediately did it. just like what i mentioned in the bu-cssp social work fb page, our silence is not needed at these times. we need to stand up. we need to condemn all acts of violence committed against any person. we need to join the call for justice for laesybil so that her death will not go in vain. come to think of it, i would not want it to happen to my friends and family members. JUSTICE!

fail

after seeing the report of Lourd in AksyonTV about the symbolic seven billionth baby in the Philippines, i became curious with one of the featured things in the report is a software run by BBC.com which let you know your number in the seven billion world population that we have today. tipong sinasagot kung pang-ilan kang baby na ipinanganak sa mundo. unfortunately, simula ng nag-umpisa akong magtry hanggang ngayon ay error ang lumalabas. feeling ko tuloy hindi ako pinanganak. siguro ay lumabas lang ako sa kung saan kaya hindi nacocompute kung pang-ilang baby ako. tsktsk. sayang!

PS. IPASA NA ANG RH BILL. SEVEN BILLION NA ANG WORLD POPULATION. NINETY-FOUR MILLION OR NINETY-TWO MILLION NA ANG SA PILIPINAS. MAS MARAMI, MAS MASAYA. PERO MAS MARAMI DIN, MAS MAHIRAP! tsktsk.

resignation

if you have the patience to read my past blog posts, perhaps you know what blue feather society is and that i am the chancellor of the prestigious honor society in BU. things change now because i choose what i think i should do and what i think is right.

Supposedly, i will post this after being signed and approved by Dr. Lauraya but due to the usual process in the bureaucracy (i think), the president has yet to sign my resignation letter. Considering that it will be almost a month now after i formally submitted the letter, it would be good that everyone would know.

I hope you'll find time in reading my resignation letter, as to give light on why i choose to resign irrevocably. It is a pleasure working with you as your former chancellor and rest assured that i will always be in support for the officers and its society. Good day!

****************************************************************************

THE ORDER OF THE BICOL UNIVERSITY ORDER OF THE BLUE FEATHER SOCIETY
The Official Honor Society of Bicol University
Daraga, Albay

05 September 2011

Dr. FAY LEA PATRIA MATA – LAURAYA

Adviser, The Order of the Bicol University Blue Feather Society

SUC President IV, Bicol University

                            Through: Dr. BABY BOY BENJAMIN D. NEBRES III 

                                           Asst. Adviser, The Order of the BU Blue Feather Society

                                           University Scholarship, Financial and Grants-in-Aid Officer

Dear Dr. LAURAYA:

Greetings of Peace and Prosperity!

It is on March 2011 that the first cornerstone of the first honor society in Bicol University was laid on the ground through the First Scholars’ Assembly organized by the Office of Student Services through Dr. Baby Boy Benjamin Nebres III, gathering the top students of the different academic units of the university to select the would be interim officers of The Order of the Bicol University Blue Feather Society, the first honor society in the university and perhaps in the entire Bicol Region.  With pride and honor, I accepted the challenge to become the first president of the Society with the first mission of establishing a strong foundation for the Society as I am proud that together with my fellow interim officers, we have achieved what was expected of us through framing the Constitution and By-Laws of the Society.

After four months, the Second Scholars’ Assembly was called to adopt the Constitution and By-Laws prepared by the interim officers and to elect full pledged officers who shall lead the organization in forming its identity and attaining its vision of promoting excellence in scholarship, leadership, character and service in the entire university. Again, with pride and honor, I accepted the challenge to become the first-ever Chancellor of the Society.

Since my election to the office, I have yet to prove my worth and my capability in leading this prestigious organization to greater heights and making the BUeños proud and aware of its existence. Sadly and truthfully, I must accept the fact that I am failing myself, the Society’s members and I am failing the Society as a whole. It is as if it was caught on a standstill with just papers and officers to prove its existence, nothing more, nothing less. I must accept the fact that while I am proving myself in my department and the college as the president of the Human Welfare Advocates in BUCSSP, I am failing in the university as the chancellor of the Society.  Perhaps in simpler term, I must admit my incompetence as the chancellor of the Society.

In this regard, I am submitting my irrevocable resignation as the chancellor of The Order of the Bicol University Blue Feather Society: The Official Honor Society in Bicol University effective immediately due to the following reasons, to wit:

1. Incompetence to perform the duties expected of me as indicated above;
2. Conflict with some of the values that the Society wish to impart;
3. Desire to focus more on my studies and my extra-curricular commitments to my college and department; and
4. Personal reasons related to family which I do not wish to disclose.

Moreover, I would like to extend my appreciation to Dr. Baby Boy Benjamin D. Nebres III, the Society assistant adviser who unselfishly offered his time, ideas and efforts in organizing and guiding the Society, to the officers and members of the Order of the Bicol University Order of the Blue Feather Society who placed their trust to me since the First Scholars’ Assembly up to this day. I would also like to wish Mark Evan Aniel, the Society Vice-Chancellor for Internal Affairs, my constitutional and rightful successor all the best and that he may be able to fulfill the duties and responsibilities that I failed to meet and so as with all the officers of the Society. Rest assured that I will be supporting the Society one hundred percent in attaining its vision, mission and the purpose why it was founded.

Furthermore, before I end this resignation letter, I wish to convey three recommendations to the officers and to the administration as well on how the Society can be improved:

1. First, given the special nature of the organization as the official honor society of the university, it shall be accorded the same privileges given to the University Student Council as the Official Student Organization and Council of the whole of the university, The Bicol Universitarian as the Official University Publication and should not be simply regarded as just another university based organization left to stand on its own. Unlike other UBOs who get support outside the university, the Society must be supported by the university itself considering that the Society speaks of the best of Bicol University. For instance, financially, without the aid of the university, the Society can do less to become financially viable to create programs and projects especially that its members are academic scholars who perhaps worked hard for them to pay less tuition fee;
2. Second, political patronage must not be promoted in the Society by not allowing the nominations and eventual granting of honorary, emeritus and distinguished membership to politicians as a way to secure funds or funding. By doing so, the Society is sending the wrong message to the good breed of future leaders that Bicol University wish to produce; and,
3. Create and organize programs, with the aid of the University Administration who can encourage more BUeños to aspire to become a member of the Society and to do all things necessary to discourage the division that the Society could promote given that its members are branded as the crème de la crème of the university.

Again, my utmost gratitude and appreciation for this opportunity and my fervent wish for the Society’s success under a new leadership.

I am hoping for your favorable response regarding this matter and God bless!

Sincerely yours,

(SGD) RUSS DANIEL O. BALDOZA

Chancellor, The Order of the Bicol University Blue Feather Society

Recommending Approval:

(SGD) Dr. BABY BOY BENJAMIN D. NEBRES III

Assistant Adviser, The Order of the Bicol University Blue Feather Society

University Scholarship, Financial and Grants-in-Aid Officer

Approved:

Dr. FAY LEA PATRIA MATA – LAURAYA

Adviser, The Order of the Bicol University Blue Feather Society

SUC President IV, Bicol University

***i originally posted this in the facebook group page of BFS and there are some who leave their comments and some did...

while a member from BUPC chose to write on my wall... 

and these people make resignations regrettable. i owe them some appreciation but i must stand by my decision. ADIOS BLUE FEATHERS! i started with a happy heart and i leave with a heavy heart but with a smiling face looking in the future. wish them all the luck!

agony amidst the darkness

Today is the 5^th day of October, 2011. WORLD TEACHERS’ DAY! Kaya HAPPY TEACHERS’ DAY sa past and present mentors and professors ko simula pa noong isang hamak na bata pa lang ako. Well, the day started just right. Just right pero late pa rin ako sa aking 8:00 am appointment with Laisa. Sabi na nga ba at wag dapat magpapaniwala sa mga oras na sine-set ng College Student Council because the Surprise Tribute Program for the faculty members started at 9:15 am, 1 hour and 15 minutes late. Kakahiya sa faculty and nakakasayang ng effort. Well, maayos naman ang program and I did my part habang humihingal. As the president of HWA (organization of all social work students), I was asked to give a testimonial to our faculty members. English! Wohooo! Pero feeling ko mas benta kung Filipino or even Bicol pero at the back of my mind kahit anong language naman kasi what matters most is the content of the message. So yun, everything just turned out well with my personal favorite mentor winning the Female Fashionista Award for Faculty Members! Rock on si madam vidz!

In the afternoon, basag-ulo, bukas utak, pagod katawan at gutom tiyan ang epekto ng findings, diagnosis at findings and diagnosis sa paggawa ng case study. ANG HIRAP! After the subject, Sir Guab (ethics professor) meet us and naglabas ng hinanakit. Tsktsk. Anyway, pagkatapos ay nag-asikaso para sa group dynamics field exposure naming sa Friday kung saan magfafacilitate kami for the third and last time sa Bascaran National High School, which can be found in the upland Daraga. Ang topic: SELF-AWARENESS. Isa namang nakakapagod pero masaya at fulfilling na araw ang magaganap by helping the students become better individuals through knowing more about themselves.

Ngayon, sa baba ay mababasa ang blow-by-blow account ng pangyayaring hindi ko inaasahang mangyayari. BAD TRIP! Haha. Pero ayos lang.

5:30 PM – Pumunta sa LCC Daraga para magpaprint ng certificates para sa Friday.

6:00 PM – Hindi pa rin kami nakakapaprint  dahil sa technical error at madaming customers.

6:30 PM – Sa wakas ay piniprint na ang aming certificates.

6:35 PM – Binigyan ako ni angel ng pudding pie at nanlibre din si diane ng banana cake at pudding pie habang hinihintay ang certificates.

6:40 PM – Nag-shopping kami ni Diane (aka Ms. Beautiful) ng prizes for the Saturday activity.

6:50 PM – Sinabihan namin si kuya sa paprintan na icut ang certificates namin and he generously did.

6:52 PM – Pumunta si Diane sa department store para tumingin at bumili ng notebook na pandagdag sa prize.

6:54 PM – Bumalik siya at tinawag niya akong MAHAL <3 (pero actually, she was referring to the notebook na mahal daw at sa kabilang store na lang siya bibili)

6:57 PM – Natapos si kuya sa pag-cut at nagbayad kami ng bayad.

6:58 PM – Pumunta kami ng JY Department Store at bumili ng notebook.

7:00 PM – Pabalik na kami ng department para sa dagdag preparation at iba pang bagay.

7:10 PM – Nasa department na kami at nadatnan na nagpapraktis ang second year na magkakaroon ng showcase of talents sa Friday na hindi ko mapapanood. SAYANG!

7:15 PM – Nasa HWA kami at nagtatambay habang busy si MAHAL (diane).

7:17 PM – Drinamahan ko si triina dahil pinagpalit niya na ako kay sime gamit ang mga linya sa No Other Woman.

7:20 PM – Hinanap ko si Renna sa practice ng second year dahil gusto ko siyang makitang sumayaw pero hindi ko nahanap

7:25 PM – Naghahanap na ako ng ibang kabubusyhan at wala si renna.

7:30 PM – Dumating si madam vidz at sumugod kami sa kanya para sa pagpapirm ng certificates, nagkwentuhan, nagcopy ng mga movies, kumain ng biscocho, iminom ng tubig, pinanood si renna ng advocacy video na gawa ko para sa deviant psychology naming at kung anu-ano pang kalokohan kasama na ang kokology ni friend.

8:30 PM – Hinatid namin si madam vidz sa sakayan.

9:00 PM – Papunta na kaming FCG (First Colonial Grill) para kumain ng dinner.

9:40 PM – Tapos ang dinner. Home bound.

****DITO NA ANG MAINSTREAM AGONY******

9:50 PM – dumating ako at laking gulat ko ng sarado na ang gate ng nadatnan ko. Agad akong nagtanong sa mga tao sa baba kung sino ang may hawak ng susi pero wala pa daw. Send ako agad ng *808 kay ate Dianne at sa pinsan ko para sa tulong.

10:30 PM – zzzzzzz. Inaantok na ako habang nagpaplano ng over the bakod ko.

10:45 PM – may lumilipad na ipis na dumiretso sa mukha ko. Buti nakasara ang bibig ko. Madilim pero alam kong ipis yun. At nag-umpisag katihin ang bibig ko.

10:50 PM – sinilip ako ni bhem mula sa terrace after one hour pagkatapos kong mag *808, binaba niya ako at tinulungan ako sa pamamagitan ng pagkuha ng bag ko.

10:59 PM – desperado na ako at gustong-gusto ko ng umakyat. Maraming gagawin. Kung walang tambay, nag-over the bakod na ako.

11:00 PM – inaantok na ako habang naghihintay. Zzzzzzz

11:11 PM – Nagwish ako na sana makapasok na ako agad.

11:19 PM – dumating ang may hawak ng susi at presto, nakapasok din ako. Hugas bibig, sipilyo, blog at manonood ng movie na ako.

Well, ang bottomline lang ata ng walang kwentang post na ito ay naumpisahan ang araw ko sa paghihintay kaya natapos din siya sa pamamagitan ng pagpapahintay sa akon ng 1 hour and 20 minutes kung hindi ako nagkakamali. Aba! Ayos! Grabe ang patience ko. Haha. Pasensya! Pasensya! Pasensya! Speaking of pasensya, I was reminded of Mavic. Sino siya? Malalaman mo din sa takdang panahon. Good night! :)

155 detected

i very much appreciate the presence of a strong anti-virus software in time of like this ----------------->

well, it's from the USB disk of my classmate and i can't help but say that i need to print the screen and blog about what just had happened. 155 virus detected! GREAT! buti at hindi sumabog and laptop ko. anyway, thanks kaspersky trial edition. you made your short stint in my laptop worth it. :)

No to SUC Budget Cut!

a rally against SUC budget cut was staged in BU. sayang i did not attend because i cannot attend dahil may field work kami sa Anislag (a rurban barangay of Daraga in Albay) on Self-Awareness but kung wala kaming field nung mga panahong yun, i will surely attend the rally (first time ko sana!).

Anyway, eto lang mana ang gusto kong sabihin - 
STOP SUC BUDGET CUT!
Higher education must be accessible to all.

feeling

PARANG ANSARAP MA-HEART BROKEN NGAYONG MGA PANAHON.

sadness

MALUNGKOT AKO. :(

That’s the shortest way of summarizing what this post is all about. Ewan! Feeling ko bi-polar na din ako katulad ng bestfriend kong si rica. Ewan ulit. Inaamin ko na nag-enjoy naman ako kanina sa 7^th foundation celebration ng bicol university college of social sciences and philosophy na inumpisahan ng isang one big boodle fight sa department. It’s such a delight to see the more or less 250 social work students eat in a series of tables barehanded. Sharing food, laughter and chitchats. Meeting new acquaintances, making stronger friendships kumbaga. Walang arte-arte. Walang posisyon. Lahat masaya at lahat maligaya. Masaya at nakakabusong at nakakaenjoy at basta masaya ako. In the afternoon, it was followed by a short program with me joining in the singing (as bass or bajo/baho) of the famous sarong banggi and the one with ‘ikaw lamang ang aking iibigin magpakailanman,’ then followed by an agape of native kakanin foods. Benta ang sa department. Ambilis naubos. At sumunod din ang laro ng lahi na hindi ako nagparticipate pero sa panonood pa lang ay masaya na. Actually, it’s nostalgic because it reminds me of the glory of my childhood days where I actively play patintero and other laro ng lahi. Nakaka-miss.

But then, after the dusts settle kumbaga, I feel that there is something wrong. There is something sad within me. Ewan na naman pero feeling ko narealize ko lang na malungkot ako ng tinawag ako ng Auhm Girls na kasama si Yanie kong mga kaibigan na samahan ko sila sa pagkain at pagkkwentuhan pero tinanong muna nila ako kung okay lang daw ako. Sabi ko, oo. Oo dahil hindi ko pa finifeel na malungkot ako at oo dahil yun naman ang kadalasang sagot ko sa mga taong nagtatanong kung okay lang ako sa mga panahong hindi naman talaga ako okay. Oo na naman dahil hindi ko din alam kung ano ang dahilan at malungkot ako at wala akong maisasagot kapag kinulit ako ng mga babae ng buhay kolehiyo ko. Sabi nga sa text, may mabuti at madali pang magsmile kesa ipaliwanag sa iba ang dahilan kung bakit ka malungkot. Pero feeling ko dahil ito sa pagiging mag-isa ko ng mga nakaraang araw. Mag-isa as in alone, loner at anu-ano pang synonyms. Halibawa, mag-isa kong pagkain sa hapag-kainan. Mag-isang pagsisimba. Mag-isa sa buhay-buhay. Siguro para sa iba ay normal o hindi issue ito pero ang sabi ko nga kay ate edlyn of ERDA na nakasama ko sa Art Therapy Seminar-Workshop, people person ako. Mas gusto kong may kasama kesa nag-iisa. Ayaw na ayaw kong mag-isa kahit pa sabi ni bhem na pinsan ko ay mas solemn magsimba kapag mag-isa. kahit pa matetempt ka na manlibre kapag may kasama kang iba dahil nahihiya ka at kahit pa sarili mo ang oras mo at wala kang icoconsider kundi ang sarili mo. At kahit ano pang pilit kong gawing mindset na maaring ganito ang set-up pagnag-umpisa na akong magtrabaho at pinili ko ang urban jungle ng maynila, nakakalungkot pa rin. Idagdag pa ata ang pagiging homesick at pagiging pagod. Pagiging homesick dahil sa hindi pag-uwi ng nakaraang week at pagod dahil sa kabila’t kanang academic matters to attend to and extra-academic matters to fulfill na sa kasamaang palad ay hindi ko na kinaya at nag-resign na ako bilang chancellor ng Blue Feather Society. Ayaw na! Feeling ko kelangan ko munang magpahinga, mag-unwind at huminga ng mas mapreskong hangin.

Feeling ko malungkot ako dahil I am starting to doubt my very existence as a friend and the importance of me in the circle of friends of my friends. Sabi ko nga, I can define friendship as something that is precious, something that serves as a light in the midst of darkness and something that can bring about happiness, sadness, contentment, contempt, change and so many things to the persons engaged in such relationship. It is something that must be treasured and protected sa paniniwala ko. That no one or nothing can easily take it away from you or your friend. Alam mo yung with every passing second, minute, hour and day, I am starting to believe that with or without me, everything is just the same, no more, no less kumbaga. The world will go around like what it should do and the people around me will spend their day with things that they supposed to do without even knowing or thinking that I am not in the picture. Mahirap at feeling ko umiiral lang ang pagiging emosyonal ko pero feeling ko hindi. Feeling ko hindi ko lang nakikita ang importance ko bilang kaibigan at kulang ang nafefeel kong appreciation sa mga kaibigan ko. Sabi nga ni Mang Andres sa 100 days to heaven, lahat ng tao kailangang makatanggap ng appreciation mula sa iba at kailangan nilang maramdama ang importansya nila. At sabi din ni Maslow sa kanyang hierarchy of needs, na hindi ko ganung katanda ay kasali ang appreciation sa pangangailangan ng tao. Feeling ko yun lang yun.

Pero while I am feeling sad because of that, I can say that I had my new coping mechanism. To lessen my expectations to feel less pain or sadness. Tama baga ang kasabihang expectation hurts. Pansin ko, nung binabaan ko ang expectations ko, gumian ang buhay ko. Mas naging maayos at mas konti ang disappointments. Yun tipong hindi mo kailangang ipagpilitan ang sarili mo dahil wala lang. basta yun tipong okay na to, okay na to. Kung maiisip nila ako, masaya at thank you, kung hindi naman, hindi ganun kasaya pero thank you pa din. Ayaw na. bahala na muna for now. At least, nakapagventilate ako kahit dito muna sa blog.

ngayon at bukas

HELL WEEK this week (extended hanggang monday)

INTRAMS next week!

ang sarap ng buhay!

birthday memories

Today is the birthday of my friend, kuya bjorn daryll manjares oropesa who happens to be a long lost relative of the once famous artist and showbiz personality Elizabeth Oropesa. I really don’t know his age but based on my computation which is either right or wrong, he is now on his 22^nd year as a biopsychosocialspiritual being. Well, one good thing that happened today is that we celebrated his birthday in simple ways with madam Vida as the catalyst and I hope that he is satisfied with what happened especially that Mario Maurer (if I am right) is present in his simple celebration though there is still a part two on the 26^th of August for his post-birthday celebration. Another thing is that after such a long time, perhaps months to be more specific, most of the members of MnT ate in a one long table facing each other sharing some nonsense and no nonsense stories, korni and kwela jokes, walang kwenta and puno ng kwentang kwento and sharing the good old laugh we used to hear when we are eating in a one long table. Busy nga naman ang buhay third year at bukod sa busy ay magastos din. We're just on the starting point and for surem many things can happen within the two semesters.

Going back to kuya bjorn’s birthday, I can’t help but reminisce my last birthday and the last few birthdays that I have experienced. For a fact, birthday is the signal that another year had passed and that a new year comes along. It’s as if a birth and rebirth of a person as an individual. Obviously, I wasn’t able to post a blog entry about my 19^th birthday celebration but let me describe it in two opposing words – DISAPPOINTMENTS and SURPRISES. Yep, I have some disappointment with regards to my 19^th birthday because of unfulfilled promises, no something special factor and the contraposition that as if nature had the whole world by not letting things happened as planned. But disappointments are not new for me in the celebration of my birthday. Just like what I had previously stated, parang nasanay na ako na tuwing birthday ko, maliit ang cake, busy sina mama sa anniversary nila, walang pera dahil enrollment at walang masyadong effort akong nararamdaman. It’s as if disappointments have been my companion every second day of june of the year. Yun tipong barkada kami at yun lang yung oras na nagkakajam kami na sa parating ganun ang sitwasyon ay hindi ko na siya kinoconsider as weakness but rather as just a normal thing that I must faced at the start of the day and leave it as it is when my day ends. But what is different this year that made me expected and made my disappointment bigger than the previous years is that planned didn’t go the way they suppose to go, from planned family bonding and celebration in Legazpi to nothing. It feels like I was robbed with the opportunity to experience something new, to experience something that I never experienced before and perhaps to celebrate what could have been the best birthday of my life with my family. Obviously it hurts and I am hurt but I am not blaming anyone or everyone because I understand that sometimes things don’t go the way they should, siguro nga ay may mas panahon pang nararapat at nakalaan para sa titulong ‘best birthday of my life with my family’ and personally, I blame myself because I expected to much. Tama nga naman talaga si sime, expectation hurts so better lower your expectations.

On the contrary, I thanked God that I experience something new. Something that I am usually a part of but during my day, I am the “beneficiary.” Sa wakas, I experienced a surprise something from my friends. Surprise cupcake, surprise na paglabas nila na may balloon, surprise something and it’s something that I can cherish forever as the first time my friends exerted an effort to surprise me on my special day. Simple yet meaningful and something that I long to experience for the past few years of life. Mafeel ko man lang ang effort ng mga kaibigan ko and it made me feel very special. Sabi ko nga, mabuti na lang at may nangyaring kakaiba ngayon, akala ko just a simple and ordinary day lang ito. Know what? I thank God for giving me those girls and my other friends who exerted effort to make my day something worth remembering and something special. Ako naman ang babawi sa kanila next time. :)

But perhaps the biggest surprise that I got from my day is that the second of June is the day when we first saw the ‘would be symptoms’ of Dan’s (my brother) sickness. I remember that we were in our room in the boarding house having a story telling when I asked Dan about the ‘swell spots(?)’ or bukol in his neck and he shared that he even have some in his head. I am personally alarmed that I asked Dan to force mama and papa to have him examined for any disease or sickness. Masaya pa kami noon, nagkkwentuhan at nagtatawanan. Dan even got the chance to roam at Embarcadero and Legazpi but we didn’t know that something alarming is unfolding without us the knowing. Days later, he was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia which is for me, the hardest and the worst family challenge we are currently facing. Nakakabigla na tipong in just one click, something can change or perhaps everything change. But still I am quite optimistic that everything will be all right and will soon be back to normal. Pano ba yan? Happy Birthday na lang kuya BEEjorn and may God bless you always!

Postscript: All the things mentioned made my 19^th birthday deserve the title, my best and worst birthday so far.